My Outcry Before I Commit Suicide

I'll admit: 

I want to kill myself and I can't understand why. Waking up exhausted after sleeping over the recommended time, over eating, calling in more than usual; Seeing myself but not really seeing myself only the shadow that was fading. Life is a mess, picking up habits I've never had. The voices saying let it go, grab the razor, take the pills it'll all be over or keep drinking and we'll feel that much better for a little while; LETS ESCAPE PLEASE. You were there when they needed to talk so you take on their demons, but no one is there for you to trade off. We have lost so many friends, family members and associates to this mental illness that we treat so jocular. We’ve all become so anesthetic TV and social media has desensitized us to those who are crying out for help. Put down the phones and jump out your car if you have to! Pull them back pray even if they are agitated because what we need the most is love; I called myself a psychological person but my producer was falling victim in front of me. I was scared and didn't know what to say or even how to confront it for that matter. We were going through it at the same time but I've never seen a person with so much strength, courage and faith to move mountains like no ones business so incapacitated. Spend time with your loved ones it may seem meaningless but you don’t know what those minutes did for that person send out random texts ; Just because we seem OK, we are not; Earlier this year I wanted my pain my sorrow to end and I couldn’t understand why and my husband fought with me everyday, to get better every day! It is not easy.. AT ALL! I’ve had conversations with myself of jumping off my balcony and I live on the third floor and I knew It was a mental breakdown when I came back with the response no I wouldn’t kill myself I’d only injure myself and I don’t want pity; I cried out for help so many times and literally no one could help me. This year was mental! The enemy restrained a lot of people and there are so many of our loved ones that we lost to suicide .. when I seen classmates old friends and children killing themselves I stood in the gap for other who were hurting, praying that I could intercede for them! I was so mad every time you look up someone else gone, I was like God why you kept me after all of my attempts ? Why me? I still don’t know exactly why but I know there is still a purpose there is still a plan; I know that Psalms 24 is accurate THIS IS THE GENERATION THAT SEEK THY FACE! We are the chosen generation, we don’t sit back and let others tell us their belief without questioning; but the anxiety, stress, and mental assaults that came with it.. my goodness. I've grown to learn opening up about my suicidal thoughts or even attempts didn't mean I fixated on attention; It didn't mean I was formalizing the issue; It means I have an issue and covering up for it was not the answer, there have been generational curses sat out for grand-kids, and so on that the millennial have to first off confront and not stigmatize those who suffer. We always look for the painting after the artist has passed away, lets break that generational curses for our kids and their grand-kids. Stop concealing your hurt like its an honor to hide it. Know that someone somewhere can help you with this walk, someone can help if you just reach out and don't stop reaching because someone needs you. You are loved, you are important and you are useful. (2 Corinthians 12:9) "Each time he said "My grace is all you need. My power works BEST in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." So, if I subject myself to my Father and His business I can boast and still be exalted and made perfect. Now I see that I had to commit suicide to my will and give my life back to the original author. This was my last outcry before I commit suicide.