Can I Cry Now?

That smile, you know the one you only wear in public.. Does it hurt? To smile I mean, your heart is so heavy; things just DON’T make sense. You’re losing track of time, not remembering the smallest of events and work is piling because your head is just ‘not’ in it. You want to talk to someone, but the time is never right. It feels like you are suffocating and you just DON’T know what could you do to prevent this feeling. So, you drink or send a risky text; the alone car rides stopped working and all of the songs sound the same. You need help, but W H O? You ask an elder and they tell you to pray. You say to yourself “I’ve been praying”, you talk to someone who you trust and that doesn’t help and it creates unnecessary conflict which was never part of the plan so you sink.

Functioning depression is a thing I never wanted to understand. Yet, life thought it would be a great thing for me to grow to understand. You’ll still be active in everything, you’re heart is just not in it. Stress and overthinking the wrong things can and will weigh on you, in ways that shouldn’t be possible to the human body. Migraines came back, anxiety is going crazy, you can meditate and pray all day but H O W do I get back to me? I’ve read the scriptures, I have faith, I just need you to help me renew my mind. What did I do? Who did I wrong? I promise I’ll fix it, I’m sweet to everyone so what did I do?

After having an actual conversation with someone the first thing I asked was “What’s wrong with me?” .. After a silence, they responded “You’re starting from the wrong place, what’s right with you?”. That was my personal renewal, I never sat and thought of what I was doing right. Which inevitably helped me discover a method that works for me and I want to share.

You cant stop overthinking, but you can control your overthinking. Overthinking doesn't mean you're a terrible person it just means you're creative and all of the art is living inside of your head, find healthier ways to bring it out.

Becoming More Of Me:

-For every bad thought think of three things you’re grateful for

-Get off social media for a week or three (replacing the time to reinvent yourself)

-Do one new thing everyday

-Reminding myself that "no" is not a bad thing

-Finding a scripture / parable in The Bible and remind yourself of it daily

-Stop people pleasing (some people are preying on your kindness)

-Change can be scary but it’s necessary

-Recite an affirmation to yourself in the mirror daily and smile afterwards

Everyday will not be easy, there are some days where hell seems to be on high alert; and you will cry. That’s okay, the pain is simply a reminder that there’s more work to be done on the inside so,

You CAN cry now.

“If you think you are beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don’t. You’ve got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win a prize.”

-Napoleon Hill